Friday, May 23, 2008

Relationships and singleness

I have had a few conversations with people lately about how being single or in a relationship affects your life, changes who you are n what you do etc.

As most of you who know me will know, i am single at the moment, which I'm loving. In many ways it is a great life. But anyway, a mate asked me if I was looking for a girlfriend, which i thought about a bit before answering. Mainly because I think there's a distinction between looking for a girlfriend and being open to the idea of a relationship.

See i think that when you are single and looking for a girlfriend, then often that may not be a healthy place to be in. I've seen many people who've just come out of a relationship, or not, and seem to be really keen on a relationship, which seems to be predominantly about needing to fill the hole in your life where the other person used to be. I know I've been there before, just wanting someone for the sake of having someone.

And I think the predominant reason people are like that is because of a lack of sense of happiness within themselves. They need somebody else in their life to validate them as a person. So any relationship started from that position will be predominantly about you and your wn needs, not what you can give in love to the other person.

I think it comes back to the basic saying that you have to be able to love yourself before you can love anybody else. That makes a lot of sense to me.

So then, the difference between that and being open to a relationship is that in the latter you are comfortable and secure in yourself, so that if something comes along then great, but if not, you are just as happy within yourself.

Anywho, there's my yearly Dr Phil segment on love and relationships done, so back to more of my usual drivel!


Carola said...

Amen Brother!

How funny that when you get to this point of satisfaction in your singleness you can finally have that happiness in who you are as a person, and that you ARE worthy enough to be loved by the right person, so now you can just stop thinking and stressing about it all because "it will happen when God AND you are ready"...?

Obviously it doesn't always happen like that... and the ending is totally cliche and is usally what your coupled up friends say to you to comfort you in your time of loneliness...

But how desperate we must look! We're either too busy way-too-obviously drooling over someone who is highly probably wrong for us [not that we'd see it at the time], or we're too busy wondering and complaining about all our supposed flaws which MUST be why we're still single, that we surely are more off-putting than appealing!

And yet, usually a attractive quality in a person stems from the things they are passionate about in their life or more importantly, in the lives of OTHERS, which God is guiding them through. Its not about their focus on themselves or their appearance [not completely anyway, as I think you would still find them somewhat attractive in their appearance, but it wouldn't - and shouldn't - be based on that].

And i think society and the media have plenty of blame to take when they constantly shove in your face the appearance you should have, or the token boy/girl on your arm, or the fact that if your single your somewhat abnormal - especially if you've not had *insert number here* partners. Its crap!

It's not a disease! I'd rather be single forever and do work for God and minister to the unchurched than to have a trail of ex's dragging behind me. That is the disease of society!!!

*Phew! Calm down girl!*

Its really encouraging to hear a young guy talk about being happy in their singleness - and openly. Sometimes i swear there is a massive bloke drought happening when I think of all the 'possible potentials' that are not around.

But its not a drought - God's just trying to make all the ones I dont need unappealing, and God willing, the true one [or, if it takes more than one to show me], be more of a beacon of Gods Light.

We should aspire for that WOG [Woman of God in your case] or BOG [Bloke of God] who is not perfect but tries their hardest to be better in their character and their thoughts and actions. Someone who encourages us, keeps us accountable to them, and wants to grow in and with God. Someone who knows that they need God in their life and that we are not the centre of our universe.

Sorry bout the length. I am surrounded by young people who love God but cant understand why they are still single - and they are unhappy. Its so challenging. I cant tell them anything to change it because I had to snap out myself out of it. Its a setting of the mind the whole "why am I single" crap.

Its just really encouraging to hear another person talk about this. Someone who [or so it seems] didn't get all worked up to say the "single" word.

And your so right. So many would 'look for a gf/bf' instead of being open to the idea of a relationship and allowing it to happen. Having a husband or wife shouldn't make your world [as in having one shouldn't be what makes us whole - is that the right explanation...?]. They should enhance it. Compliment it.

Thanks Digger... sorry again for the length and if I run off on a tangent or make no sense...

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of a friend when he said something along the lines of, 'im not looking for someone to complete me, to be my other half, when im not divided. im looking for someone who makes me stronger, better, and a greater essence of who I am'


Anonymous said...

Yes, you are right Digger, that's an interesting blog! I totally agree. Well, you know that I am single too and I get people asking all the time about whether there is 'someone special'... I think it's a combination of my age and everyone around me getting married and having babies. Funny thing is, I love being bridesmaid and holding my friends babies, but am totally fine handing the baby back without wanting one of those coming out of me! I used to make a big 'oh no, still single as ever' in a negative tone, not becuase I wasn't happy being single, but because I felt that's what people wanted to hear, she's single but wants to be together with someone. I didn't want to sound like I was avoiding the whole partner thing or too proud. As I reflected on it a number of months ago, I decided to change my stance, surprisingly enough to exactly what you were discussing. So now I say 'no, no-one special, but I'm just really enjoying life at the moment'. I totally agree with your point of view, that a partner does not suddenly make you happy if you are not happy as a single. The way I see it is I enjoy my life now and being together with someone else has to make my life better for me to give up singleness. Not that I want to be single forever or that I'd never go on a date unless I 'heard a voice saying 'this is your husband''. I used to be over spiritual about it all and get all up in arms and defensive about it, but I'm fairly relaxed (I think) about it all, sometimes a little too relaxed and sometimes too strict on myself, but I'm working on the balance. Basically I feel I'm in a good place (not being perfect, but being happy), I'm open, but I'd rather be happy and single than unhappy and together with someone who I'm just together with so I have security (idolatry really). Yep, totally on your wavelength! I'm the same, not looking, but open! Nice Thought!
PS Have to leave anonymous message, haven't been on so long I've forgotten my password

John M said...

Yeah I haven't had a girlfriend in 7 years and don't really care, actually there are more friends and family who seem more worried, always asking if i have found someone, like i am looking for a new car or something. i want to get married one day but am not in a rush. it takes two to tango and i want a good dance partner. plus being single means i can do what i want with my time, and watch as much football as i want.

Digger said...

Hey Caro, thanks for the post and encouraging comments. You made some good points there hey.

This post has spawned quite a few interesting conversations which has been fun.

Yeah nice quote that one hey esk!

Buzz glad to see ur on my wavelength, and John, am totally agreeing with you on the footy thing! Whoo yeah!

Carola said...

Caro ... hahaha thats funny - out of all the names I've had, that is certainly a first!

Thanks for the comment back! I think half the time I honestly don't know what I'm saying/writing, but that post really did encourage me that being happy in one's singleness doesn't just reside with the women [not that I was shocked to see it reside with the blokes but, yeah!]


Digger said...

Haha yeah just seemed like an easy shortening to me!

Like the Toyota one though.


Carola said...

Ah, well you would so enjoy hearing the 'full name" story! Can i just say - "entire name is car related" - in one way or another.

Kinda freaky when you think about it, but then this is also where I KNOW the Lord has a sense of humour! [like discussed in the "Would Jesus Be Funny?" post!]

I should write a comical book about the many names I have, and how many times its been missheard!

Digger though - you just a mad tractor nut when you were little or did your parents let you name yourself when you were 4? No, its the secret identity name thats given so other people other than your mates don't know who you are...

I understand completely!

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