Tuesday, June 03, 2008

When to help and not

Had an interesting, but short, discussion last night about something that has been on my mind for a while now.

It's about when we are the ones to chase up others about somethign we can help them with, or how much we make them chase us down. If somebody needs your help-finanicaily, emotionally or whatever, do they haev to ask for it, or should you offer. Do you just help somebody out and give them a way out, or let them suck it up and feel the consequences of their bad decisions.

Particuarly in mentoring situations, do I as the mentor chase them up to catch up cos I know they have stuff they need to work through, or just let them float on with their life and wait for them to aknowledge the crap that needs working through (and potentially let it fester into something worse) or not.

And within al of that you need to be aware of the potential for you to think that the other person's welbeing is all about you, and forget that often you are just another cog in the wheel.

Just some stuff I've been processing over the last little while.

4 comments:

Carola... said...

Or - how many times do you go back to offer help? Do you keep going till they are over their hurdles? Or till they physically show you they don't want your help...

But what if you are feeling burdened by the situation aswell, when a burdened shared is halved?

What if we continue to ask questions and offer help and they continue to say no? Is that when we wait, stop, let them make that decision? Or do we become a nuisance then instead?

How can you help someone who isn't willing to help themselves? When their emotional baggage history is not something they've been able to release?

I'm no councellor, and I try to be as good a friend and supporter as I can. But it keeps getting thrown back with disgust and anger. Do I 'woman' up and fight the good fight, or have I been doing it for the wrong reasons [selfishly?], or is it time to let that person go their own way because they're not ready - or willing? - to deal with it at all...

"refused & confused"

Estelle b. said...

hey beefcake

Just recently i got my 'butt kicked' about a whole lot of hate and unforgiveness that I had been holding onto. I had been brooding in it for ages (about a year) and it took one of the most incredible people in my life to approach me about it for me to change it.

*He wasn't like "your hate is wrong and you should know better". He was more like, "you had a reason to be angry, but there has to be a point in my life where you have to let God do some healing".

It reminds me of that story about that guy stuck on the island. He prays for help and when help comes he's like "I'm waiting for God to send some help"... it goes something like that. Anywho, I think often just being there isn't enough, sometimes (if not all the time) we have to be the person who says something through words or actions. As for 'timing', I think the sooner the better... why let someone dwell in all the crap?

David said...

In order to be of help to another party you must be recognised by that party as having the capacity to help. They must have a sufficient degree of respect for you. The kind of respect that takes a long time to build up. And that can be destroyed by small mistakes on your part.

Another way to help is to let people learn from their own experience. A method that may be far more effective than any wisdom you think you can lend to the situation.

Remember, you are not the only caring person on the planet. Or even the most caring.

And people have a sense of personal pride and their own personal space. The help you offer may be your own emotional steady and calm nature.

To offer other people help, you must first help yourself.

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